on complex filters and angles

so, i grew up with a superiority complex because my parents—especially my dad instilled in me from a very very very young age that ‘You got to be the best, otherwise, what’s the point of being alive?’ it kept me from doing a lot of things and exploring a lot of things that would have brought me a lot of joy. it kept me from pursuing anything, because i would get scared of failure, and failure is something that is not only natural, but it’s just part of the process of even getting better—failure is integral to getting any better.

and so this fear was rooted in a lot of things and especially in terms of my own self esteem. It meant—to be me as a person—if i ever decided to start something and i wasn’t immediately excellent at it, i would stop. i would backpedal. i would isolate myself. not only from that thing, but from people, from anything that made me feel insecure.

and this is all sort of an intergenerational trauma that sort of played out in my life, right? it was something that i inherited from my parents, particularly my dad, because he was afraid of people looking down on him.and while that is valid—it’s a valid feeling to have—putting that conditioning and that fear into your parenting and teaching your child to live in fear of failure while simultaneously punishing their inability to move forward in life? it was just a very cruel and unforgiving upbringing.

and that’s sort of my angle right? that’s my filter (or one of them anyways). i don’t exactly have the same experience as someone who never had high expectations in the first place and im not saying that one is necessarily better than the other or that one placeto be is necessarily better than the other.

you can sort of measure—in terms of like, what kid gets resources, right? and there’s difference in privilege in that way on some level—though that varies from person to person. you might have a kid who has a lot of expectations bit is not filtered resources into at all either, which on some level, that was something i had to deal with a lot.

but im just sort of talking about this because i want to reconcile and talk about the difference of filters and angles and experiences in that certain people are going to resonate with how i came to be right? how i came to exist, to understand myself even when its not necessarily the same, right? we dont have the same story, we dont have—in terms of all the intersections of identity and subjectivity that exist, we’re not the same. there arent going to be a lot of people who have the same story as me. 

in fact, i dont think its really possible for two people to have the exact same story, although there may be similarities. that being said though, it’s important for people to share their stories because in the sort of fabric of life, or if you want to think about the world as a sort of like constantly changing and moving orchestral piece, where everyone is kind of coming in and out in their own vibration, their own resonance: some sounds aren’t going to necessarily harmonize or work with others, but that doesn’t  that it’s not important. 

some things come into discord and some things work together. sometimes things bounce off each other and its just—important to make yourself heard or like give yourself the opportunity to sound off where you are. tell your story. however it is that you feel called to.

because if you dont, you know, the song’s going to be missing it. it’s hard, i think, to understand your place, especially when you dont feel resonant with everything around you. when you dont feel lije you are in a place where your life is valued. but i think its important to recognize that no matter where you’re coming from, no matter how it is that you were sort of fashioned, how it is that you came to be, how it was that you came to understand yourself, it’s important, like where you are is important. the structure of you is important, right? so yeah, that was that sort of...train of thought.

Candex Louie